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Problem is most of these MAKE SENSE
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As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
 
~ John Glenn

 

    *****
 
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible
and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
 
    ~ Desmond Tutu
 
    *****
 
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
 
    ~ David Letterman
 
    *****
 
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
 
    ~ Italian proverb
 
    *****
 
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
 
    ~ Betsy Salkind
 
    *****
 
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
 
    ~ Jean Kerr
 
    *****
 
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
 
    ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
 
    *****
 
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
 
    ~ Jeff Foxworthy
 
    *****
 
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
 
    ~ Prince Philip
 
    *****
 
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
 
    ~ Emo Philips.
 
    *****
 
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
 
    ~ Harrison Ford
 
    *****
 
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
 
    ~ Spike Milligan
 
    *****
 
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
 
    ~ Robin Hall
 
    *****
 
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
 
    ~ Jean Rostand.
 
    *****
 
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
 
    ~  Arnold Schwarzenegger.
 
    *****
 
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
 
    ~ WH Auden
 
    *****
 
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
 
    ~ Jonathan Katz
 
    *****
 
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
 
    ~ Johnny Carson
 
    *****
 
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
 
    ~ Arthur C Clarke
 
    *****
 
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
 
    ~ Steve Martin
 
    *****
 
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
 
    ~ Jimmy Durante
 
    *****
 
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
 
    ~ Doug Hamwell
 
    *****
 
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
 
    ~ George Roberts
 
    *****
 
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
 
    ~ Jonathan Winters
 
    *****
 
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
 
    ~ Robert Benchley
 

let us piss off everyone

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.' 
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A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'. 
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I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black

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Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that! 
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A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.' 
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Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed. 
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I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, 'I'm going to take that.' 
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Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, 'Where am I?' The farmer looks back up and shouts back, 'You're in a basket you dumb shit!' 
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I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer ... hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

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I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

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Pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.